Center of Well-Being

I experienced a technological “mishap” today. I was trying to connect to a teleseminar for an afternoon of learning. Instead of hearing the featured speaker, there were three of us listeners who ended up on the phone line together. One of them, Todd Jensen, took charge in suggesting we introduce ourselves and share the titles of our books.

I quickly became thankful for the “problem.” Todd shared his book, On Gratitude, to be released on World Gratitude Day September 21st (Learn more at his website, www.thegratitudelist.org). His message moves me and reminds me.

I was first introduced to the gratitude journal back in 1995. Initially I thought I would be repeating myself to come up with 5 “gratefuls” every day. What I quickly discovered was there was not enough room allocated for each day and I was writing in the margins of the book. I surprised myself one blistery hot August day by saying, “I am grateful for air conditioning.” What a contrast to my usual whining about the Texas summer heat!

Many years later, I had a profound experience with gratitude on one of the most difficult days ever with my parents. Both of them were experiencing failing health. Their physician said it was no longer safe for them to be living independently in their apartment. Three medical social workers said they must be moved to an assisted living facility and if it did not happen they would report me to the state as not being an adequate caregiver for my parents.

It could have been easy. While they were still functioning better mentally and physically, my brother had taken them to visit several such facilities. They had selected their favorite and we had everything in place when future needs determined it necessary. My mother had even said she was ready then as she would no longer have to cook or clean. However, when it came down to it, she was the one that resisted most vehemently. She stood resolutely, with feet planted firmly in front of me saying, “I won’t move and you can’t make me!”

I had tried everything I knew to convince and reassure them. In desperation I called a social worker friend who had worked with the elderly. He suggested that I call the state myself, reporting the situation and requesting support from their social worker. It was Friday early evening and I knew there was nothing else I could do until Monday morning. I had other important family business that I needed to attend to that weekend and wanted to be in a place of greater peace within myself.

That is when I discovered what I call, “Present Moment, Grateful.” I was in my car, driving down a country road. I asked myself, “What am I grateful for?” I am grateful that I have a car. I am grateful that I have gas in the car. I am grateful I have money to put gas in the car. I am grateful for a safe road to drive on….

I continued….”What do I see I was grateful for?” I am grateful for the blue sky, the beautiful white clouds, bright and dark greens of the leaves swaying in the breeze…..”What do I hear I am grateful for?” I am grateful for the car radio. I am grateful for the large selection of stations available to me…. “What do I smell I am grateful for?” I am grateful for the smell of the fresh outside air…. “What do I taste I am grateful for?”…. “What do I touch I am grateful for?”….

As I moved my attention into the present moment, involving all five senses, I felt my body sink into a peaceful relaxation. I felt my heartbeat slow, my blood pressure lower. I became present to all that I usually take for granted. By the time I reached my next destination I was feeling great joy!

I have now reduced the Present Moment and Grateful to PM & G. Whenever I find myself feeling frustrated, tense, upset, powerlessness, I remind myself to go to PM & G. I invite you, as you experience those “mishaps” to try it. Let me know how it works for you!

Watch for next week’s blog: PM&G, Part 2.

(THE REST OF THE STORY: The social worker from the state came out on Monday. When my mother realized the state would become their guardian if she did not cooperate she agreed to move. By that afternoon they were safe in their new home. My learnings from this: be prepared for future needs and ask for help from others.)

Seeing our loved ones in pain and knowing it is time to let go is so hard. Sometimes we want to avoid the situation all together. It takes courage to be present! I share the following story of a brave woman, who now has no regrets:

Thank you for yesterday! It was a miracle how events unfolded. I got to the hospital and didn’t want to see mother. I sat outside the ICU for several hours crying. After settling down and it wasn’t visitation time the doors opened up into ICU and without thinking about it I walked in. They didn’t ask me to leave, but had me wash my hands. I easily found mother. When I put my hand on her she opened her eyes for the first time and looked at me. The rest of my family shortly followed what I did. They couldn’t believe I did that. After some time they asked all my family members to leave, but never said anything to me. I stepped back out of the way for awhile and when things settled down around mother. I stepped back to her and stayed with her another hour. They never asked me to leave. She was aware that I was there the whole time. I could see she was afraid and hurting. It breaks my heart that they are keeping her alive.

TWO days later
I was with mother to the very end. It was a beautiful experience. The last hour we went to my special place together and watched the grandchildren play in the water. We remembered when her children were born. We walked together in heaven. She let me know (without words) that she would always be with me and she understood that I would be with her as soon as she went to sleep, because there is no time in heaven. Then Dona started talking to her letting her know it was O.K. to let go and I laid my head on her other shoulder for the last 20 minutes and held her hand. I felt her relax as she left her body. It is because of our session that I was able to do that. Thank you!

What do you say and do before the final goodbye? Join us in sharing and learning at the upcoming retreat in October. See the homepage for registration information.

We have so much to learn! When I spoke at an international conference, I met a woman from Africa. I asked her how death was viewed in her culture.

First she rolled her eyes. She then stated that she did not understand the perspective she has so often seen in the United States. She said “You act as if death is wrong and should not happen.” She went on to say that in her village they see that everyone is born, everyone follows the path of their life, and everyone dies. They view death as the natural progression of life. When someone they love dies, they celebrate them, sharing what they liked and didn’t like about the person.

In October I will be hosting a twelve hour retreat on the message of Conscious Acts of Grace at Upachaya Island Retreat Center on the Carribean Island of Roatan, Honduras. As a group of up to 10 participants, we will have the opportunity to fully understand and absorb the “tools” and understandings relating to peace around end of life.

I am most excited about the opportunity to learn more about how the end of life is experienced in this culture, and what we can learn and share. The owners of the retreat center are identifying an elder from the nearby village for our group to create a Celebration Circle. At the end of our week together, on that Friday night, we will host a Celebration Circle for the elder.

If you want a deep and rich experience, as well as renewing and relaxing opportunity, join us! See the home page for more information.

Am I in the “lazy days of summer?” Does somehow my brain still, after all of these years, associate summer as time off? I find myself having less energy and motivation. Thankfully, I am getting ready to be infused with amazing energy!

Last year I attended an international woman’s conference with 3,000 other women. I came home inspired and energized by the commitment to excellence. I have never been in the presence of so many (mostly) women who are all committed to supporting each other to fulfill not only their professional goals, but to live a life of quality and meaning.

I am preparing to leave to attend the 2010 eWomenNetwork conference again in Dallas next week. For the first time, I will hear Zig Ziglar! I will again hear Lisa Nichols, who had all of us on our feet with cheers and tears last year. I am excited to be on a panel myself, sharing my writing/ publishing process for Conscious Acts of Grace. I am grateful for the commitment of so many folks for making this opportunity possible. I am counting on coming home “on fire.”

What infuses you? How can you bring those opportunities into your world?

(For more information on this year’s conference, see   http://www.ewomennetworkconference.com/speakers.php)

Today is Mom’s birthday. Yesterday was Father’s Day. The tradition my entire adult life was to spend the weekend that includes these two events with my parents. This is the first year, in my 61 years on earth, that neither is physically here for our time together.

I miss them.

Today I am tired. I don’t want to think about creating a brochure for an upcoming event. I don’t want to decide on a date for a speaking engagement and all of the arrangements around that. I ask myself, “Why am I doing this? My life could be so much easier!”

And then I think of my parents. It was their end of life struggles that brought this mission into my lap. If I can be a voice for greater peace for others, what a perfect legacy they are leaving. I think I will take a break for a cup of tea, enjoy the bird sounds, and get back to what they, indirectly, called me to do.

Happy birthday, Mom!

Last Sunday I had the wonderful opportunity to share Conscious Acts of Grace and Celebration Circles with over 200 people. I was thrilled when, within an hour, two women told me they had already started planning a Celebration Circle for a loved one.

I later learned, though, that one women was in tears afterwards. She told a friend of mine that she was upset because of mistakes she had made with her parents. She was feeling guilt and remorse.

The LAST thing I want to do as I spread this message is to say anything that encourages guilt! I did things very differently with my mom than I did with my dad. It was during Dad’s dying process that I realized how much I did not know. Even though I had worked in mental health for three decades, I was ill equipped to know what to do to best support him, my mom, and myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I did not know that I did not know. His process moved me to the place of knowing I did not know. This sent me on a quest of learning.

Someone asked me once why she should attend my workshop when she didn’t have anyone in her world who was in the dying process. My response was I do not want to wait until the roof is falling on my head before I learn how to use a hammer. I want to pick it out, buy it, and practice with it well before I am in a crisis situation and need to know how to use it. The last thing we need to be trying to do when we are in a crisis with a loved one is to try to figure out how to maneuver the physical, financial, and life changes all while in a heightened emotional state!

Always remember, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And, if you are reading this it is likely that there are things that you know you don’t know. I invite you to get the tools now. Mom lived six more years. During that time I learned, studied, shared, and grew tremendously in my understanding of how to be with her decline and then her death. This left me with a sense of no regrets and for that I am very grateful.

This is an entry that was written last fall, before my blog was active. As Mother’s Day approaches and this is the first year she is not with me I share it in her memory.

My mother and I know struggle. We have never really understood one another. I am a dreamer. She is pragmatic. I question everything. She says, “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.” I look at the stars and think about how we, as humans, are just small specks in the vastness of the universe. She says, “Don’t think about such things.”

When I was in my thirties, my mom resigned herself that she had birthed a child who “marched to a different drummer.” I continued to confuse her and, I imagine, many times worry her. We spent time with each other, always nice and polite, but rarely experiencing moments of heart – to- heart connection.

Last week, for the first time since childhood, I woke up missing my mom. She is now approaching 93, with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. Needing care 24/7 has brought painful decisions for my brother and me. How can we be sure she is safe, AND experience a quality of life? How can we help her be with the grief of losing her husband of 66 years and of losing her own independence and freedom? How can we balance her desire for personal control with safety? How do we maneuver through the federal and state guidelines so that she can receive necessary care?

All of these questions and all of these challenges are balanced with a joyful and brand new relationship. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing sweetness with my mom. Never a demonstrative woman, she now greets me with a loving embrace, truly joyful to see me. The last two days, with emerging needs on her part, I have climbed in bed with her and lay there, stroking her face. As she nestled herself into my arms yesterday, I felt her vulnerability and her sigh of comfort as she finally let herself move into much needed rest.

Yes, this has been a time of great emotional, mental, physical, and financial challenge. And, I am deeply grateful.  My mother and I now know peace and deep, pure love.

How easy it is to become invisible when we are elderly and no longer “useful.” Visiting mom this week, I saw one of the residents looking distressed and mumbling.  It would have been so easy to stay focused on my mom’s visit so I could then get back to work. My gut said to stop and walk across the room to listen.

When I got closer, I heard, ”If you needed help, I would help you.” The desperation, the aloneness, the hopelessness of her words stung. I asked her what she needed. She said she was freezing in the air conditioning and needed a sweater. I went over to the aide and advised him that she needed  assistance.

 He went to her room, got her a warm robe, and when I looked next she was walking to the couch in new comfort. Once more I am reminded: keep my eyes open, keep my ears open, pay attention, and act! Such simple acts, so easy to do and what an impact for someone feeling so alone!