Missing Mom

This is an entry that was written last fall, before my blog was active. As Mother’s Day approaches and this is the first year she is not with me I share it in her memory.

My mother and I know struggle. We have never really understood one another. I am a dreamer. She is pragmatic. I question everything. She says, “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.” I look at the stars and think about how we, as humans, are just small specks in the vastness of the universe. She says, “Don’t think about such things.”

When I was in my thirties, my mom resigned herself that she had birthed a child who “marched to a different drummer.” I continued to confuse her and, I imagine, many times worry her. We spent time with each other, always nice and polite, but rarely experiencing moments of heart – to- heart connection.

Last week, for the first time since childhood, I woke up missing my mom. She is now approaching 93, with a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. Needing care 24/7 has brought painful decisions for my brother and me. How can we be sure she is safe, AND experience a quality of life? How can we help her be with the grief of losing her husband of 66 years and of losing her own independence and freedom? How can we balance her desire for personal control with safety? How do we maneuver through the federal and state guidelines so that she can receive necessary care?

All of these questions and all of these challenges are balanced with a joyful and brand new relationship. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing sweetness with my mom. Never a demonstrative woman, she now greets me with a loving embrace, truly joyful to see me. The last two days, with emerging needs on her part, I have climbed in bed with her and lay there, stroking her face. As she nestled herself into my arms yesterday, I felt her vulnerability and her sigh of comfort as she finally let herself move into much needed rest.

Yes, this has been a time of great emotional, mental, physical, and financial challenge. And, I am deeply grateful.  My mother and I now know peace and deep, pure love.

4 Responses to “Missing Mom”

  1. Wonderful journey and experience!

  2. Thank you very noble blog

  3. Thanks very good for report, I follow your blog

  4. Wonderful ! very good info. keep it up.Hello there. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday morning. This is a great post. Thanks!

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